I will forever call this intro from Wind at My Back "Daniel's Music". When I was pregnant last year with Daniel he and I shared many long nights of me staying up and sewing when everyone else went to sleep. It was nice and peaceful in the house but I didn't like that it was COMPLETELY quiet. About the same time we had started watching a series from the library. There were many things I did like about it but also some things I didn't. What I did love though was the music for the intro. Sometimes when I would be sewing I would turn an episode on and not pay much attention to it but when it would go off the music would just play over and over till the play button was hit again. I remember sewing and feeling him move and knowing that he was the only one that was still up with me. It was our time together and I love that memory of him. I would think about all the different blankets, burp cloths, and bibs that I could make for him. I would stay up way to late but it was still nice to have some time to myself and to do some sewing projects.
Fast forward several months and Daniel was no longer with us. I had no desire to sew or watch any episodes of the show. Everything had changed. A few weeks before his actual due date in March I felt like I was doing pretty good. When someone would mention his name in the family I didn't bust out crying or get that sick throw up feeling. We had made our way back to the library and once again I checked out the DVDs and thought I would watch them again when I had a chance probably later in the evenings if I could find a few extra minutes. This was the week that I "should have" delivered our baby via c-section a week 39 just like I had the last 4 babies. As the kids were going to bed and I was going to lay down on the couch with Stephen to try and get him to sleep, one of the kids offered to turn on the TV for me and put on Wind at My Back. Never did I imagine the flood of emotions and sadness that would overtake me when I heard the music playing. All those nights of staying up late, just me and little Daniel, it was just too much. I quickly turned the DVD off and decided not to ever watch those again. That was 6 months ago!
A few days ago we made a trip to the library again. This summer we have made drastic changes in our television time. We went from a no cable-netflix only family to a no cable/NO NETFLIX family that enjoyed a good family movie on a Thursday or Friday night sometimes. Our trip to the library was for books but since it was the weekend we thought we would see if we could find a really good movie to watch. We didn't see anything that grabbed our attention so I said let's get a Wind at My Back season and we can watch a couple of their really funny episodes. I think the girls were surprised because they had heard me say how that music made me feel.
This is what makes me so thankful and full of joy. I can listen to that music and have my memories of Daniel without the deep pain. Yes I do still miss him and think of him every day but when I hear that beautiful music I am able to smile and cry at the same time. Strange!!! Crying because he isn't here with us and smiling because I did have him for those few short months. Now other things do still cause me pain, seeing a baby that would have been his age and sometimes when I see all the kids playing, running around and having fun I feel that pain of knowing there should be another one right there with them also Mothers Day Baby Dedication that was one thing I wish I had skipped. The loss of Daniel will always be with me but I am so thankful that I do have my good memories of him too. This is why I now consider this music to be "Daniel's Music" It has a very special meaning to me!!!
Eventually my plans are to journal everything about my pregnancy and delivery of our little boy. I don't want to only remember the sadness of our loss but to remember all the days that we had with him. I want to add a page to our blog of Daniel's story. I believe I will keep these pages private for the public. If though there is ever anyone who can be blessed by his story in some way I will gladly share this page with them. For now though I plan to add a little at a time about him. This is something that was on my heart today and I wanted to share it while my thoughts were fresh. We will always be thankful to God for the time that he gave us with him. To hear this our main music at the bottom of the page must be turned off.
